Humour

[arjun]

A joke from the Dec.08 issue of Purity magazine published by the BKs:

The new man in town told his neighbour, "I have come out here to make an honest living."

"Well", said his neighbour, "There is not much competition. :D "

[arjun]

From the Jan'09 issue of the Purity magazine published by BKs:

REAL DEFINITIONS:
School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water power.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills and kills you by bills.
Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenous home life.
Etc. A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

[arjun]

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the
side of a deserted road.

Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban
sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out
and
asks the shepherd,

'If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of
them?'

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of
grazing sheep and replies, 'Okay.'

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax,
enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS,

opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot
tables.

He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer,
turns to the shepherd and says,

'You have exactly 1,586 sheep.'

The shepherd cheers, 'That's correct, you can have your sheep.'

The young man takes one of the animals from the flock and puts it in
the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks, 'If I guess your profession, will
you return my animal to me?'

The young man answers, 'Yes, why not?'

The shepherd says, 'You are an auditor.'

'How did you know?' asks the young man.

'Very simple,' answers the shepherd. '

Firstly, you came here without being wanted.

Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew.

Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business...

'....Now Can I have my dog back?'

------------------------------------
Sent to me by a friend through email

[arjun]

Roller Coaster
---------------

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn’t make it out."

"I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn’t see what the sign said."

"By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don’t stand up in the car!"

------------------------------------
Sent to me by a friend through email

[arjun]

From an email sent to me by a friend:

MONKEY BUSINESS

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $5 each. The villagers seeing
that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and
started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $5 and as supply started to diminish, the
villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now
buy at $10. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started
catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back
to their farms. The offer increased to $15 each and the supply of
monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey,
let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since
he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy
on his behalf.

In the man's absence, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all
these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell
them to you at $45 and when the man returns from the city, you can
sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of what happened in the stock
market in the past months....

Hence Be Alert & Try putting your Saving in the Right Place !!

[bansy]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'


'You dumber than a buffalo. It means someone stole our tent.'

[arjun]

ONE LINERS

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

[6] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

[7] You cannot buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[8] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[9] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[10] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

[11] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I am wrong and she agrees with me.

[12] Those who cannot laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[13] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[14] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[15] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[16] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[17] They call our language the mother tongue because the Father seldom gets to speak!

[19] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it!
HAVE A NICE DAY !!!

[arjun]

From an email sent to me by a friend:

TOO SWEET FOR WORDS!!!

A six-year-old boy told his Father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The Father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind.

'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'

'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'
'How about transportation? ' the Father asked.

'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the Father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'

'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I am going to step on it!'